


dying for a cuppa joe (The Cafe Mocha Caper)

by caledfwlchthat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Body Horror, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Coffee, Dubious Ethics, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Multi, Murder Mystery, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Quadrant Vacillation, Sharing a Body, What Was I Thinking?, Workplace Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 09:08:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7568362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caledfwlchthat/pseuds/caledfwlchthat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CONSENSUAL HATING AMONG EQUALS IS ONE THING, AND DISCLOSING SUCH HATRED IS NECESSARY TO AVOID CONFLICTS OF INTEREST.  BUT DRAGGING SUBORDINATES INTO LURID CALIGINOUS ENTANGLEMENTS IS COMPLETELY UNPROFESSIONAL, AND ALSO A RECIPE FOR DRAMA.  WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE STARTED VACILLATING?!  UNACCEPTABLE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dark Roast

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [On Murders And The Nightly Ingestion of Coffee](https://archiveofourown.org/works/436536) by [graveExcitement (arachnids)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arachnids/pseuds/graveExcitement). 
  * In response to a prompt by [graveExcitement (arachnids)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arachnids/pseuds/graveExcitement) in the [Ladystuck_RemixTreats2016](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Ladystuck_RemixTreats2016) collection. 



> Both versions of this story I've seen before focus on Terezi <3< Karkat still being functional while sharing a body. What if that weren't the case? what if, as Troll Jean-Paul Sartre might have said, "hell is sharing a body with other people"? Even a seasoned auspistice might end up making things worse.

**Scene:** the break room of the Imperial Dreadnought _Battleterror._

TEREZI: *sllluuuurrrp*  
TEREZI: 44444HHHHH  
TEREZI: B1TT3R, B1TT3R COFF33  
KARKAT: BLEEEAAAHHH.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE PUNGENT SLUDGEGUZZLING FUCK YOU EVEN STAND THAT BATTERY ACID.  
KARKAT: DOESN'T IT JUST EAT RIGHT THROUGH YOUR BEVERAGE CHUTE?  
TEREZI: W3 H4V3 4 LONG N1GHT 4H34D OF US  
TEREZI: 1NJUST1C3 T4K3S NO R3SP1T3  
TEREZI: W3 N33D 4LL TH3 MOR4L3 BOOST1NG W3 C4N G3T!  
KARKAT: YOU CALL IT A MORALE BOOSTER? IT'S PURE LIQUID DAYTERROR.  
TEREZI: NO, 1 TH1NK ONLY TH3 SUBJUGGL4TORS H4V3 4CC3SS TO TH4T STUFF  
KARKAT: LIKE HELL THEY DO. WE SHOULD KNOW.  
KARKAT: WERE YOU PAYING ANY ATTENTION ON OUR ROUNDS NEAR THE BRIDGE JUST THE OTHER NIGHT?  
KARKAT: YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER THE ONE WITH THE GINORMUNGOUS GLUGTUBE OF WHAT I COULD ONLY ASSUME WAS FAYGO.  
KARKAT: HE WAS GIGGLING MANIACALLY. OBVIOUSLY HIGH AS A WING ON A STRING.  
KARKAT: WHAT WAS HE EVEN ON? AND CAN WE NOT HAVE ANY?  
TEREZI: TH4T 1S 4SSUR3DLY NON3 OF OUR BUS1N3SS  
TEREZI: GR4V3 P3N4LT13S H4V3 B33N L3V13D FOR L3SS 4S1N1N3 QU3ST1ONS  
KARKAT: ANYWAY, IF THEY HAD BETTER STUFF THAN THAT, I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'D JUST DRINK IT INSTEAD.  
TEREZI: OR S4V3 1T FOR SP3C14L OCC4S1ONS  
KARKAT: WHAT IS THAT. LIKE, YOUR THIRD CUP ALREADY?  
KARKAT: CAN YOU EVEN HELP YOURSELF, OR DO WE NEED AN INTERVENTION?  
KARKAT: GOD. THE LEAST I COULD HOPE FOR FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT WAS TO BE ADDICTED TO SOMETHING LESS DISGUSTING THAN THAT.  
KARKAT: AND I'M SURE I'M TASTING ONLY A FRACTION OF HOW BAD IT REALLY IS.  
TEREZI: P3RH4PS OUR N3W L3G4L 4SS1ST4NT C4N SUGG3ST 4 SU1T4BL3 R3PL4C3M3NT  
TEREZI: 1 MUST S4Y TH1S COFF33 1S MUCH B3TT3R TH4N TH3 USU4L SW1LL

======>

KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT ASSISTANT?  
TEREZI: WH1L3 L3G1SL4C3R4T1ON R3QU1R3S C4R3FUL 4TT3NT1ON TO D3T41L  
TEREZI: 1T 1S 4 MOR3 3FF3CT1V3 US3 OF TROLL R3SOURC3S TO OUTSOURC3 P4P3RWORK  
KARKAT: HOW DID YOU DRAFT AN ASSISTANT WITHOUT ME FINDING OUT?!  
TEREZI: 1 D1D 1T 1N TH3 MORN1NG 4FT3R YOU H4D GON3 TO SL33P  
KARKAT: OKAY, I CHANGED MY MIND.  
KARKAT: STIMULANTS AHOY! I'LL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.  
KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVEN MET THIS PERSON? WE CAN'T TRUST JUST ANYONE.  
KARKAT: WHAT IF SHE FLIPS HER SHIT WHEN SHE MEETS US?  
TEREZI: SH3 C4M3 H1GHLY R3COMM3ND3D BY TH3 B4R 4SSOC14T1ON  
TEREZI: SH3 SHOULD H4V3 4 SH4RP L3G4L M1ND 4ND LOW NONS3NS3 TOL3R4NC3  
TEREZI: H3R H3LP W1LL L34V3 US MOR3 T1M3 4ND 3N3RGY FOR F13LD WORK  
KARKAT: I'VE NEVER HEARD A SHITTIER EUPHEMISM FOR KILLING PEOPLE.  
KARKAT: WHICH, I WILL TAKE PAINS TO REMIND YOU, IS *MY* FUCKING JOB.  
KARKAT: JUST STICK TO YOUR CORE COMPETENCIES, MEAGER THOUGH THEY MAY BE.  
KARKAT: VERBOSE PRONOUNCEMENTS OF GUILT. DRAMATIC PAUSES.  
KARKAT: LIGHT INTERROGATION. LEERING. YOU KNOW, THAT KIND OF SHIT.  
TEREZI: L33R1NG 1S MOST C3RT41NLY NOT *MY* JOB!  
TEREZI: 1'M BL1ND, R3M3MB3R?!?!  
KARKAT: WELL, AT LEAST YOU CAN'T OUTSOURCE *THAT* TO ME TOO  
TEREZI: BUT YOU KNOW WH4T 4N 3FF3CT1V3 F1GHT3R 1 4M N3V3RTH3L3SS  
TEREZI: 1T'S WHY YOU'V3 B33N P41R3D W1TH M3  
TEREZI: 4ND 1 C4N ST1LL SM3LL W3LL 3NOUGH TO K1CK YOUR SORRY 4SS!  
KARKAT: OOOH, I'D BE QUIVERING IN MY JACKBOOTS EXCEPT YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL IT'S YOUR OWN ASS YOU'D BE KICKING TOO!!!  
KANAYA: Excuse Me

======>

KARKAT: WHAT.  
KANAYA: Um  
KANAYA: My Apologies For Interrupting  
KANAYA: I Heard The Sounds Of An Argument But  
KANAYA: There Seems To Be Only One Of You  
TEREZI: NOTH1NG TO S33 OR H34R H3R3  
TEREZI: 1 W4S JUST  
TEREZI: UH  
TEREZI: TH1NK1NG OUT LOUD  
KARKAT: HAHAHA, YEAH, THAT'S *TOTALLY* WHAT I WAS DOING.  
KANAYA: Ah  
KANAYA: Well  
KANAYA: I Was Just Wondering Whether The Coffee Urn Required Refilling  
KARKAT: NOPE, HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH, THANKS. BYE.  
TEREZI: NO, W41T, 1T MOST C3RT41NLY DO3S!  
KANAYA: Wait  
KANAYA: Which Is It  
TEREZI: 1 H4D TH3 L4ST CUP JUST NOW  
KARKAT: (grrrrrRRRrrrRRrRrr...)  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: All Right  
KANAYA: I Shall See About Replenishing The Supply  
KANAYA: Meanwhile I Will Remand These Toroidal Pastries Into Your Custody  
KANAYA: Just A Moment

======>

KARKAT: THEY'RE CALLED "CULLERS", IDIOT.  
TEREZI: H4H4H4, ONLY W1GGL3RS ST1LL C4LL TH3M CULL3RS  
KARKAT: OKAY LOOK, WHAT IS HER DEAL.  
KARKAT: AN INTERN?! YOU GOT US A FUCKING INTERN.  
TEREZI: JUST UNT1L W3 G3T ON TOP OF OUR C4S3LO4D  
KARKAT: WHICH WILL BE APPROXIMATELY NEVER.  
KARKAT: THE BODY PILE DOESN'T STOP FROM GETTING TALLER.  
TEREZI: 4N OCCUP4T1ON4L H4Z4RD, 1'M 4FR41D  
TEREZI: CR1M3 GO3S THROUGH W4V3S 4ND W3 S33M TO B3 4T TH3 CR3ST OF ON3  
KARKAT: WHERE DO THEY EVEN DUMP ALL THE BODIES AROUND HERE, ANYWAY?  
KARKAT: DO THEY JUST CHUCK THEM OUT THE AIRLOCK?  
KARKAT: OR RECYCLE THEM INTO GALACTIC SPIDER CHUM OR SOMETHING?  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW, NOW TH4T YOU M3NT1ON 1T, 1'M NOT SUR3  
TEREZI: PR3SUM4BLY TH3 LOWBLOOD CL34N1NG CR3WS D34L W1TH TH3M  
KARKAT: I'LL JUST PRETEND TO IGNORE THE RAMPANT HEMOPHOBIA INHERENT IN THAT ARRANGEMENT FOR NOW.  
TEREZI: TH3Y DO TH31R JOB SO TH4T W3 C4N K33P DO1NG OURS  
KARKAT: AND WHAT A JOB IT IS.  
KARKAT: TELL ME, HOW MANY UNDESIRABLES DO WE "DEAL WITH" TONIGHT?  
TEREZI: 1 COUNT FOUR  
KARKAT: THAT'S WAY TOO MANY FOR ONE NIGHT.  
KARKAT: AT THIS RATE THEY'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY CREW LEFT BY NEXT WEEK.  
TEREZI: T4K3 1T UP TH3 CH41N OF COMM4ND  
TEREZI: 4ND JUST  
TEREZI: LOOK, 1 KNOW TH1S 1S GO1NG TO B3 4 CH4LL3NG3 FOR YOU  
TEREZI: B31NG, 4S YOU 4R3, D3VO1D OF 4NY SOC14L GR4C3 WH4TSO3V3R  
KARKAT: DON'T WE HAVE AN OLD SAYING ABOUT TROLLS WHO LIVE IN GLASS HIVES?  
TEREZI: JUST TRY NOT TO 3MB4RR4SS US TOO B4DLY 1N FRONT OF H3R, OK4Y?  
KANAYA: Hello Again  
KANAYA: I Have Brought A Fresh Urn Of Mildly Acidic Caffeinated Substance

======>

TEREZI: P3RF3CT, S3T 1T DOWN OV3R TH3R3 WH1L3 W3--  
KARKAT: OH GOD, NOT MORE OF THAT SHIT!  
KARKAT: I'M ALREADY SO JITTERY I CAN BARELY THINK STRAIGHT.  
TEREZI: K4RK4T, C4N W3 S4V3 TH1S D1SCUSS1ON FOR L4T3R  
KANAYA: Um  
TEREZI: JUST ON3 MOR3 CUP, WH1L3 W3 LOOK TH3 C4S3S OV3R  
KARKAT: NOPE, SORRY, I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE.  
KARKAT: THIS AMOUNT OF CAFFEINE IS UNNATURAL, IT'S GOT TO BE POISONING US.  
TEREZI: 1 C4N 4SSUR3 YOU 1T 1S DO1NG NOTH1NG OF TH3 SORT  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S TH3 B3ST COFF33 1'V3 H4D 1N W33KS  
KANAYA: Uh  
KANAYA: Do  
KANAYA: You Really Think So  
KARKAT: NOW THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAID FOR ONE GODDAMN SECOND.  
KARKAT: IS IT REALLY *SAYING* MUCH THAT THIS IS THE BEST COFFEE WE'VE HAD?  
KARKAT: I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I SERIOUSLY DON'T FEEL WELL.  
KARKAT: IF YOU TRY TO GET ANY MORE OF THAT STUFF I SWEAR I'LL DROP THE MUG.  
TEREZI: DON'T YOU D4R3!  
TEREZI: YOU DR1NK TH4T COFF33 TH1S 1NST4NT!!!  
KARKAT: WHAT, IS THAT AN ORDER?  
TEREZI: Y3S, 1N F4CT, TH4T 1S 4 D1R3CT ORD3R  
KARKAT: WOW, YOU'RE REALLY GRASPING AT STRAWS NOW, AREN'T YOU.  
KARKAT: ALSO, WE'RE THE SAME RANK, YOU CAN'T JUST ORDER ME AROUND.  
TEREZI: *UGGHRGH*  
TEREZI: WHY C4N'T YOU DO IT? WHY C4N'T YOU JUST DR1NK TH3 COFFEE?!  
KANAYA: Madam  
KANAYA: Or Sir As The Case May Be  
KANAYA: If Its Not Too Presumptuous Of Me To Ask  
KANAYA: What On Alternia Is Going On Here  
TEREZI: OH SW33T J3GUS  
TEREZI: 1SN'T 1T OBV1OUS???  
TEREZI: W3'R3 SH4R1NG 4 BODY W1TH 34CH OTH3R

======>

KANAYA: Ah Yes  
KANAYA: Of Course  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: Wait  
KANAYA: What  
KAREZI: SH4R1NG A BODY WITH 3ACH OTHER  
KANAYA: Okay That Was A Little Disturbing  
KANAYA: How Does This Even Work  
TEREZI: TH3 D3T41LS OF TH3 PROC3SS 4R3 3XP3R1M3NT4L 4ND THUS CL4SS1F13D  
TEREZI: BUT YOU 4R3 CL34R3D TO KNOW TH4T W3 H4V3 UND3RGON3 1T  
TEREZI: WH1CH 1S GOOD, S1NC3 YOU C4N'T UNH34R 4NY OF TH4T  
TEREZI: 1 H4D JUST *HOP3D* FOR TH4T M4TT3R TO B3 COV3R3D MOR3 FORM4LLY 4S P4RT OF YOUR S1T3 1NDUCT1ON  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: Haha Yes I See Now  
KANAYA: Everything Is Perfectly Clear And Not At All Awkward  
TEREZI: 1'M L3G1SL4C3R4TOR T3R3Z1 PYROP3, 4SSOC14T3 L4WY3R-4T-4RMS  
TEREZI: 4ND MY COLL34GU3 1S THR3SH3CUT1ON3R SQU4D 612 L34D3R K4RK4T V4NT4S  
KANAYA: Ensign Kanaya Maryam Reporting For Duty Officer Pyrope Vantas Sir  
KARKAT: AT EASE. FOR NOW, ANYWAY.  
KARKAT: YOU'LL HEAR THAT A LOT. WE'RE NOT ALWAYS SO FORMAL IN THIS OUTFIT.  
KARKAT: BUT WHEN WE ARE, YOU'LL ADDRESS US INDIVIDUALLY AS "CO-CORPORAL", AS LONG AS WE'RE HITCHED UP LIKE THIS.  
KANAYA: Thank You  
KANAYA: Co-Corporal Vantas  
KANAYA: What A Strange Technology This Is  
KANAYA: Im Guessing That The Side Effects Are Not Yet Fully Understood  
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 CORR3CT, UNFORTUN4T3LY  
KANAYA: Why Would The Empire Go To The Trouble To Develop Such Capabilities  
TEREZI: 1 F1ND MYS3LF WOND3R1NG TH4T V3RY TH1NG 4LMOST CONT1NU4LLY  
KARKAT: WELL, THEY DON'T DO IT FOR OUR BENEFIT, THAT'S FOR SURE.  
KANAYA: Are You Authorized To Disclose The Stated Purpose  
KANAYA: At Least  
KANAYA: Without Being Forced To Eliminate Me Immediately Afterwards  
TEREZI: 1 B3L13V3 W3 C4N PROV1D3 SOM3 L1M1T3D B4CKGROUND, Y3S

======>

TEREZI: W3 W3R3 TOLD 1T W4S 4N 4DV4NC3D 1MM3RS1V3 TR41N1NG M3THOD  
KARKAT: YEAH, THEY THINK WE'LL RUB OFF ON EACH OTHER.  
KARKAT: LEARNING EACH OTHER'S STRENGTHS BY DIRECT EXPERIENCE, OR SOMETHING.  
TEREZI: 4ND FORC1NG 34CH OTH3R TO CONFRONT OUR W34KN3SS3S  
KANAYA: Presumably This Is Training For Officers Only  
KANAYA: Given The General Disposability Of Rank And File Soldiers  
TEREZI: 1ND33D  
KANAYA: What Are They Training You In  
TEREZI: L34D3RSH1P, 1F YOU C4N B3L13V3 1'M L34RN1NG 1T FROM TH1S NUBHORN  
TEREZI: TH3Y'R3 PROMOT1NG M3 TO C4PT41N OF M1L1T4RY POL1C3 FOR TH1S V3SS3L  
TEREZI: UPON SUCC3SSFUL SURV1V4L OF TH3 PROGR4M, TH4T 1S  
KANAYA: And What About  
KANAYA: Uh  
KANAYA: The Other You  
KANAYA: I Mean Co-Corporal Vantas  
KARKAT: DAYTIME COMBAT TECHNIQUES.  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, LIKE *THAT'S* GOING TO BE USEFUL ANYTIME SOON.  
KARKAT: YOU'RE PROBABLY BETTER OFF DEAD THAN BLIND IN MY FLAYSQUAD.  
TEREZI: FULL OFF3NS3 T4K3N  
KANAYA: But What Is So Difficult About These Skills That They Require A Complete Transfer Of Consciousness Between Bodies To Confer  
KANAYA: Wouldnt It Be Cheaper And Easier To Just Teach Each Other  
TEREZI: 1N TH3ORY, 1MM3RS1V3 CONSC1OUSN3SS TR41N1NG SHOULD B3 QU1CK3R 4ND MOR3 3FF3CT1V3 TH4N MOR3 CONV3NT1ON4L M3THODS  
TEREZI: TH3 TR41N33 L34RNS W1TH TH31R 3NT1R3 TH1NK P4N 1NST34D OF JUST TH31R S3NS3S, BY 4CTU4LLY B31NG TH3 3XP3RT  
KARKAT: YEAH, IN THEORY, IN THEORY.  
KARKAT: BUT ACTUALLY, I THINK THEY'RE JUST PUNISHING US.  
KARKAT: BESIDES PROVIDING A HILARIOUS PREMISE FOR A ROMANTIC COMEDY, I SEE ABSOLUTELY ZERO UPSIDE TO THIS ARRANGEMENT.

======>

KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: Really  
TEREZI: NOW YOU'V3 DON3 1T  
KARKAT: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND OUT BEFORE LONG ANYWAY.  
TEREZI: YOU H4V3 JUST UND3RM1N3D 4LL TH4T R3M41N3D OF OUR CR3D1B1L1TY  
KARKAT: AND WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO DERIVE FROM, EXACTLY?  
TEREZI: NOT H4NG1NG OUT 4LL OUR D1RTY L4UNDRY ON TH3 N3W H1R3'S HORNS  
KARKAT: RATHER THAN, SAY, HONESTY, COMPETENCE, AND GETTING SHIT DONE?  
KANAYA: So You Two  
KANAYA: Are Romantically Involved With Each Other  
KARKAT: LET'S CALL A SPADE A SPADE.  
KARKAT: WE'RE KISMESES.  
KARKAT: CAN'T YOU TELL, THE WAY WE NEVER STOP TORMENTING EACH OTHER?!  
KANAYA: Ahhh  
KANAYA: I Suddenly Understand Everything  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE THAT LOOK THAT SAYS YOU THINK THE PUNISHMENT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR GETTING CAUGHT FRATERNIZING IN THE ABLUTION BLOCK.  
TEREZI: W3 W3R3 NOT!!!  
KARKAT: OH, IF ONLY WE HAD BEEN.  
KARKAT: OR MAYBE ON THE FIRING RANGE, FOR THAT EXTRA DEADLY THRILL.  
TEREZI: NOT TH3R3 31TH3R!!!  
KARKAT: NO, WE KEPT ALL THAT NONSENSE TO OURSELVES, WAY UNDERCOVER.  
KARKAT: BUT I THINK THEY COULD TELL ANYWAY, SO THEY DID THIS TO US.  
TEREZI: OH MY GOD  
KARKAT: "HEY, THESE TWO ARE ENGAGING IN ILLICIT HATESNOGS, BUT THEY HAVE SUCH A GREAT RIVALRY. I KNOW, LET'S MAKE THEM SHARE A BODY!"  
TEREZI: 1 4M *L1T3R4LLY* GO1NG TO  
KARKAT: TOO BAD WE'RE MORE LIKELY NOW TO BE CAUGHT IN THE ABLUTION BLOCK THAN WE WERE BEFORE.  
TEREZI: 44441333!!!

> *bonk* *bonk* *bonk* *bonk* *bonk* *bonk* *bonk* *bonk* *bonk* 

TEREZI: DO YOU 3V3R!  
TEREZI: STOP!  
TEREZI: T4LK1NG!!!  
KARKAT: OW OW OW! MY HEAD! OW!  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S WHY W3 C4N'T HOLD N1C3 JOBS!!!  
KARKAT: GODDAMMIT, STOP THAT ALREADY! OW! FUCKING OW  
KARKAT: WILL YOU QUIT THIS BULLSHIT, THIS IS RIDICULOUS  
KARKAT: OW, OW, OKAY, OKAY, I'M SORRY, JUST LAY OFF!  
KANAYA: Is This Some Kind Of Bizarre Ashen Solicitation  
TEREZI: C3RT41NLY NOT, 1 H4V3 3V3RYTH1NG UND3R CONTROL 4S YOU C4N S33  
TEREZI: 4LSO, OW  
KARKAT: HA HA HA.  
KANAYA: Please Pardon Me For Expressing My Sincere Doubts On That Matter  
KARKAT: SORRY, I HAVE TO CULL THIS ONE IN THE NUB.  
KARKAT: CONSENSUAL HATING AMONG EQUALS IS ONE THING, AND DISCLOSING SUCH HATRED IS NECESSARY TO AVOID CONFLICTS OF INTEREST.  
KARKAT: BUT DRAGGING SUBORDINATES INTO LURID CALIGINOUS ENTANGLEMENTS IS COMPLETELY UNPROFESSIONAL, AND ALSO A RECIPE FOR DRAMA.  
KARKAT: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE STARTED VACILLATING?! UNACCEPTABLE.  
TEREZI: FOR ONC3 1T S33MS W3 4CTU4LLY 4GR33 ON SOM3TH1NG  
TEREZI: W3'D G3T COURTBLOCK-M4RT14L3D FOR SUR3 1F TH3Y C4UGHT US 4T TH4T  
KANAYA: I Concur It Would Be For The Best  
KANAYA: So If I Do Stop You From Killing Each Other After All  
KANAYA: Please Understand I Mean To Do So Only Platonically  
TEREZI: 4GR33D  
KARKAT: DEAL.  
KARKAT: LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.  
TEREZI: Y34H  
KANAYA: Im Not Sure I Can Make That Promise In Good Conscience  
KANAYA: But By All Means Lets Change The Subject For The Time Being  



	2. Terezi: Flip.

> Days in the future, but not many...

**Scene:** the break room of the _Battleterror._

TEREZI: 4ND TH4T'S TH3 L4ST OF TH3M  
TEREZI: ON3, TWO, THR33, FOUR  
KANAYA: And The Bronzeblood  
TEREZI: WHO?  
KANAYA: Kaness Minora By The Charge List  
KANAYA: The One Suspected Of Carving Seditious Literature And Lewd Political Cartoons Into The Walls Of Deck 7 Foodblock B With The Business End Of A Cuticle Pick  
TEREZI: OH Y3S, 1 FORGOT 4BOUT H1M  
TEREZI: WH4T 4N 1NS4N3 CH4RG3, YOU C4N'T M4K3 TH1S STUFF UP  
TEREZI: W3LL, TH4T M4K3S F1V3  
TEREZI: GOD, WH4T 4 LONG N1GHT  
KANAYA: All Done And Accounted For  
KANAYA: Ill File The Affidavits With The Rest  
TEREZI: M4K3 SUR3 TH3Y'R3 L3G1BL3  
KANAYA: That Has Been Less Of A Problem Since I Changed Writing Implements  
KANAYA: And The Brand Of Foliated Literary Substrate For That Matter  
KANAYA: And Started Reading Them Aloud To You Instead Of Letting You Check  
TEREZI: H3H3, 1ND33D  
TEREZI: TH1S ST4ND4RD 1SSU3 P4P3R G3TS SO SOGGY  
KANAYA: I Confess I Dont Know Many Blind Trolls  
KANAYA: Most Probably Get Culled Soon After Their Condition Is Discovered  
KANAYA: But I Thought I Might Have At Least Heard Of Tasting Letters Before  
TEREZI: W3LL, 1T'S MY OWN SYST3M  
TEREZI: 4S YOU S4Y, MOST BL1ND TROLLS DON'T L4ST LONG  
TEREZI: BUT 1 H4V3 FOUND W4YS TO FULF1LL MY DUT13S N3V3RTH3L3SS  
TEREZI: SO TH3R3 1S NOBODY TO T3LL M3 1'M DO1NG 1T WRONG!  
KANAYA: Indeed  
KANAYA: Well  
KANAYA: About That  
TEREZI: HM?

======>

KANAYA: Co-Corporal Vantas Has Been Unusually Quiet  
TEREZI: (shhh!)  
TEREZI: (you'll w4k3 h1m up)  
TEREZI: (just k33p 1t down 4nd don't c4ll h1m by n4m3)  
KANAYA: (Wait)  
KANAYA: (Hes Asleep On The Job)  
TEREZI: W3'R3 ON SL1GHTLY D1FF3R3NT CYCL3S  
TEREZI: 1 1NS1ST TH4T H3 ST4Y FULLY 4L3RT ON OUR ROUNDS  
TEREZI: BUT TH3 PROC3DUR4L STUFF 4T TH3 3ND PUTS H1M DOWN FOR TH3 COUNT  
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK C4FF31N3 4FF3CTS H1M SL1GHTLY D1FF3R3NTLY  
KANAYA: I Find That Surprising And Mildly Implausible  
KANAYA: Since After All  
KANAYA: Youre Both Inhabiting The Same Body  
KANAYA: How Could His Stimulant Metabolism Be That Different From Yours  
TEREZI: 1'M 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR, NOT 4 M3D1C4L PROF3SS1ON4L  
TEREZI: 4ND TH3R3 4R3 M4NY UN3XP3CT3D TH1NGS 4BOUT BODYSH4R1NG FOR WH1CH 1 F33L 1 W4S NOT 4D3QU4T3LY PR3P4R3D BY TH3 1N1T14L BR13F1NG  
TEREZI: BUT 1 TRY NOT TO LOS3 SL33P OV3R 1T  
TEREZI: B3TW33N YOU 4ND M3, 1'M TH4NKFUL FOR SOM3 T1M3 TO MYS3LF  
KANAYA: I Can Imagine

======>

KANAYA: So  
KANAYA: Like  
KANAYA: What Kinds Of Unexpected Things  
TEREZI: W3LL  
TEREZI: SL33P SCH3DUL3S, FOR 3X4MPL3  
TEREZI: 1 F33L 4 B1T DULL R1GHT NOW, NOT 4T MY SH4RP3ST  
TEREZI: BUT OTH3RW1S3 1 C4N H4NDL3 MOST COGN1T1V3 T4SKS  
TEREZI: 4LMOST 4S 1F 1 H4D THR33 QU4RT3RS OF 4 TH1NK P4N  
KANAYA: Hmmm  
TEREZI: OUR MOTOR SK1LLS 4ND PROPR1OC3PT1ON S33M TO B3 SH4R3D R3DUND4NTLY  
TEREZI: SO 31TH3R OF US C4N 1N1T14T3 MOV3M3NTS, OR R3M41N 1N TH3 B4CKGROUND  
TEREZI: W3'V3 T3NT4T1V3LY 4GR33D NOT TO F1GHT OV3R L1MBS TOO MUCH  
TEREZI: F4C14L R3COGN1T1ON, ON TH3 OTH3R H4ND, 1S STR1CTLY S3P4R4T3  
TEREZI: 4ND LONG T3RM M3MOR13S 4R3 CONV3N13NTLY COMP4RTM3NT4L1Z3D  
TEREZI: 4LMOST TOO CONV3N13NTLY  
KANAYA: Do You Both Have Access To The Same Sensory Input  
TEREZI: 1T 4PP34RS SO  
KANAYA: What I Have Difficulty Believing Is That He Could Fall Asleep While You Are Still Awake Doing Stuff  
KANAYA: How Does He Shut Off The Sensory Stimulus  
TEREZI: YOU'D H4V3 TO 4SK H1M TH4T  
TEREZI: BUT 1 B3T 1T'S L1K3 N4PP1NG W1TH TH3 FL4T SCR33N BRO4DC4ST D1SPL4Y D3V1C3 ON  
TEREZI: 1T'S PROB4BLY MOR3 4 D1FF3R3NC3 OF D3GR33 TH4N OF K1ND  
KANAYA: What About  
KANAYA: Emotions

======>

TEREZI: ...  
TEREZI: 1'M NOT 3NT1R3LY SUR3 YOU N33D TO KNOW 4LL TH1S, 3NS1GN  
TEREZI: PROV1D1NG 4NSW3RS TO SOM3 OF TH3S3 QU3ST1ONS COULD COM3 UNCOMFORT4BLY CLOS3 TO 4 S3CUR1TY BR34CH  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: I Suppose Youre Right  
KANAYA: None Of This Is Really Germane To My Function In This Unit  
KANAYA: I Should Put These Papers Away And Get Back To My Respiteblock  
KANAYA: Its Nearly Midday By The Ship Clock  
TEREZI: TRUST M3  
TEREZI: YOU D1DN'T R34LLY W4NT TO KNOW 4NYW4Y  
KANAYA: No  
KANAYA: Certainly Not  
TEREZI: W3LL TH3N  
TEREZI: D1SM1SS3D  
KANAYA: Good Day

======>

TEREZI: ...  
TEREZI: ...  
TEREZI: *sn1ff*  
TEREZI: ...  
TEREZI: ...

======>

TEREZI: ("Wh4t 4bout 3mot1ons")  
TEREZI: (OH, WOULDN'T SH3 L1K3 TO KNOW)  
TEREZI: (TH3 F4CT 1S, 1T'S 4LL 1 C4N DO TO K33P MY SH1T TOG3TH3R)  
TEREZI: (4 P3RF3CTLY R34SON4BL3 K1SM3SS1TUD3 B3TW33N TWO BOD13S)  
TEREZI: (1S SO H4RD TO M41NT41N B3TW33N TWO P3RSON4L1T13S 1N TH3 S4M3 BODY)  
TEREZI: (W1TH NO SP4C3 TO PROC3SS F33L1NGS, NO R3L13F FROM CONST4NT R4G3)  
TEREZI: (OR 4ROUS4L)  
TEREZI: (1T'S 3XH4UST1NG)  
TEREZI: (WH4T SL33P 1 DO G3T 1S FULL OF TROUBL3D DR34MS)  
TEREZI: (TH3Y COULD B3 H1S DR34MS FOR 4LL 1 KNOW)  
TEREZI: (4ND 4LL TH4T 1S JUST TH3 PSYCHOLOG1C4L P4RT)  
TEREZI: (H1S PR3S3NC3 R3M1NDS M3 OF HOW W3'R3 4LL B1G B4GS OF CH3M1C4LS)  
TEREZI: (1T M4K3S 1T TH4T MUCH H4RD3R TO NOT F33L *3V3RYTH1NG* H3 F33LS)  
TEREZI: (TO D3FUS3 4RGUM3NTS, TO B3 TH3 VO1C3 OF R34SON)  
TEREZI: (TO 3NG4G3 TH4T D1SP4SS1ON4T3 C4LCUL4T1ON MY PROF3SS1ON D3M4NDS)  
TEREZI: (1T'S 4LMOST 1MPOSS1BL3 W1TH TH3 CONT1NU4L 1NTRUS1ON OF JUMBL3D 3MOT1ON4L NO1S3)  
TEREZI: (TH3R3'S 4 GOOD CH4NC3 W3 M1GHT NOT SURV1V3 TH1S ORD34L)  
TEREZI: (DUTY BOUND M3 TO 4CC3PT TH3 4SS1GNM3NT)  
TEREZI: (BUT 1T 1SN'T GO1NG TO G3T M3 THROUGH TO TH3 3ND OF 1T)  
TEREZI: ...  
TEREZI: HMMM  
TEREZI: *sn1ff sn1ff*

> Terezi: Throw open door and accost eavesdropper. 

KANAYA: Ugglhxlglgxxl  
TEREZI: G1V3 M3 ON3 GOOD R34SON WHY 1 SHOULDN'T K1LL YOU TH1S 1NST4NT  
KANAYA: Because You Wanted Me To Hear All Of That  
TEREZI: ...  
TEREZI: R34LLY?  
TEREZI: 1S TH4T SO?  
TEREZI: 3V3N 1F 1T W3R3 TRU3, WHY WOULD 1T M4TT3R?  
TEREZI: N3V3RTH3L3SS, 1NDULG3 MY OWN 1DL3 CUR1OS1TY FOR 4 MOM3NT  
TEREZI: T3LL M3, WH4T G4V3 YOU TH4T 1D34?  
KANAYA: To Compensate For Sightlessness You Cultivated Your Other Senses  
KANAYA: Your Brutal Efficiency As A Hunter Testifies To Their Sharpness  
KANAYA: You Could Undoubtedly Have Heard My Footsteps In The Corridor  
KANAYA: And You Certainly Could Have Smelled Me Across The Threshold  
KANAYA: There Is No Way You Could Have Been Unaware Of My Presence  
KANAYA: And You Would Never Have Embarked Upon Such An Unguarded Monologue  
KANAYA: Unless It Was For My Ears And Mine Alone  
TEREZI: HOW CL3V3R YOU MUST TH1NK YOURS3LF R1GHT NOW  
TEREZI: 1F 1 W4NT3D YOU TO KNOW, WHY WOULDN'T 1 H4V3 JUST TOLD YOU?!  
KANAYA: Plausible Deniability  
KANAYA: But Also  
KANAYA: To Find Out What I Was Prepared To Risk For The Knowledge  
TEREZI: *sn1ff*  
TEREZI: 4 GR34T D34L, 1T 4PP34RS  
TEREZI: 1 DON'T UND3RST4ND 1T  
KANAYA: You Will In A Moment  
TEREZI: WHY DO YOU *TH1NK* 1 WOULD H4V3 W4NT3D YOU TO H34R WH4T YOU H34RD?  
KANAYA: Despite Your Best Attempts At An Outward Show Of Composure  
KANAYA: It Is Starting To Become Plain Even To Casual Observers That You Are Fast Approaching The End Of Your Rope  
KANAYA: Im Surprised Your Commanding Officer Thinks You Fit For Duty  
TEREZI: Y3T 1'M 4LMOST ON TOP OF MY C4S3LO4D!  
KANAYA: A Commendable Show Of Functionality In A Difficult Situation  
KANAYA: But How Well Would You Have Pulled It Off Without Help  
TEREZI: TH4T WON'T S4V3 YOU NOW  
TEREZI: YOUR P3RFORM4NC3 H4S B33N 3X3MPL4RY, BUT YOU 4R3 NOT 1RR3PL4C34BL3!  
KANAYA: No  
KANAYA: Im Not  
KANAYA: Not In My Purely Professional Aspect  
TEREZI: ...  
TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU 1MPLY1NG  
KANAYA: Nothing You Havent Already Considered  
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU TRY1NG TO CORRUPT M3?!?!?!  
KARKAT: (grznkl?)

======>

TEREZI: ...  
KANAYA: ...  
TEREZI: ...  
KANAYA: ...  
TEREZI: ...  
KANAYA: ...  
KARKAT: (zzzzz.)

======>

TEREZI: (1f h3 w4k3s up 4nd h34rs us you 4r3 so d34d)  
KANAYA: (That May Well Be)  
KANAYA: (But You Could Have Killed Me Twelve Times Over By Now)  
KANAYA: (If That Was Truly The Outcome You Desired)  
TEREZI: (so, wh4t 3x4ctly do 1 d3s1r3?)  
TEREZI: (t3ll m3 mor3 4bout wh4t 1 w4nt 4nd don't w4nt)  
TEREZI: (1f you 4r3 so knowl3dg4bl3 on th3 subj3ct!)  
KANAYA: (The Strain Of Your Position Has Left You Socially Isolated)  
KANAYA: (And The Extra Stress Of Bodysharing Has Taken Further Tolls)  
KANAYA: (On Your Mental Stability)  
KANAYA: (And Ironically On Your Sole Concupiscient Relationship)  
KANAYA: (What You Need Most Is A Good Moirail Or A Proper Auspistice)  
KANAYA: (But I Think What You Want From Me)  
KANAYA: (Is A Matespritship)  
KANAYA: (Which I Am Obliged Once Again To Remind You Is A Terrible Idea)  
TEREZI: (4nd 4lso 4n unconsc1on4bl3 4bus3 of my pos1t1on)  
KANAYA: (It Might Well Appear That Way To The Chain Of Command)  
KANAYA: (And That Is Certainly A Sign Of Danger)  
KANAYA: (Though Far From The Only One And Perhaps Not The Greatest)  
TEREZI: (3xpl41n)  
KANAYA: (Given That Your Concupiscient Desires Are Manifestly Not Being Met)  
KANAYA: (It Is Perhaps Natural For You To Look Elsewhere For More Reciprocal Arrangements)  
KANAYA: (While Maintaining Your Kismesissitude Lest It Devolve Further Into Platonic Hatred)  
KANAYA: (But Another Concupiscient Relationship Is Liable To Destabilize You Both Further)  
KANAYA: (Unless The Proper Conciliatory Counterweights Are In Place)  
TEREZI: (1f 1nd33d your d3scr1pt1on of th3 s1tu4t1on w3r3 4ccur4t3)  
TEREZI: (th3n th4t r1sk would b3 m1n3 to t4k3 4s 1 chos3!)  
TEREZI: (but suppos1ng 4ll of th4t m1r4culously h4pp3n3d to b3 th3 c4s3)  
TEREZI: (why would 1 w4nt YOU sp3c1f1c4lly?!)  
KANAYA: (Because I Dont Pass Judgment On You For Your Situation)  
KANAYA: (And Because You Are By Now Impressed With My Acumen And Boldness)  
KANAYA: (Which You Carefully Designed This Whole Scenario To Test)  
TEREZI: *sn1ff!*  
KANAYA: (Also I Have Reason To Believe You Approve Of My Personal Scent)  
TEREZI: (hrmph!)  
TEREZI: (b3 4ll th4t 4s 1t m4y)  
TEREZI: (4ft3r 4ll th1s t4lk 4bout my own pr3c4r1ous m3nt4l st4t3)  
TEREZI: (4nd your p41nst4k1ng 3num3r4t1on of 4ll my rom4nt1c 4mb1t1ons)  
TEREZI: (you st1ll h4v3n't 3xpl41n3d why you yours3lf chos3 to r3m41n 4nd l1sten)  
KANAYA: (Well)  
KANAYA: (Because Ive Been Concerned About You)  
KANAYA: (As A Coworker And A Squadmate)  
KANAYA: (And As Someone Directly Affected By Your Situation)  
TEREZI: *SSSNNN111111FFF*  
TEREZI: ...  
TEREZI: (pffstsnrksnrth3h3h3h3h3!)  
KANAYA: (What)  
KANAYA: (Does That Really Sound That So Implausible)  
TEREZI: (you 4r3 such 4 rott3n l14r)  


======>

KANAYA: (Its True)  
KANAYA: (I Kind Of Suck At It)  
TEREZI: (1 c4n sm3ll 3v3n 4 wh1t3 l13 from kl1cks 4w4y)  
TEREZI: (1f 1nd33d th3r3 1s 4ny such th1ng)  
TEREZI: (why th3 h3ll d1dn't you just l34v3?)  
TEREZI: (4nd br1ng up your conc3rns 4bout my st4tus w1th my comm4nd1ng off1c3r?)  
TEREZI: (th4t would h4v3 b33n th3 prof3ss1on4l th1ng)  
KANAYA: (Sometimes Concern For Others Can Override Protocol)  
KANAYA: (And Commanding Officers Dont Always Need To Know Everything)  
KANAYA: (Anyway I Didnt Believe For A Minute That Security Was A Concern)  
KANAYA: (If Your Emotional State Was Literally Top Secret Instead Of Being Blindingly Obvious)  
KANAYA: (The Chain Of Command Would Never Have Allowed Me To Be Assigned To You)  
TEREZI: (unl3ss you 4r3 1n f4ct 4 tr4p th3y h4v3 l41d for m3!)  
TEREZI: (to t3st my 1nt3gr1ty 4nd comm1tm3nt to th3 l4w!)  
TEREZI: (1 r34lly 4m w1th1n my r1ghts to t4k3 you out 4t th1s po1nt)  
KANAYA: (Or Instead To Simply Take Me)  
KANAYA: (With Your Ongoing Deadly Half Serious Threats Upon My Life)  
KANAYA: (You Are Basically Begging Me Not To Tempt You Further)  
TEREZI: (stop c4ll1ng my bluff!)  
KANAYA: (Then You Admit You Are Bluffing)  
TEREZI: (how 4r3 you m4n4g1ng to fl1rt w1th m3 wh1l3 1 cross-3x4m1ne you?!?!)  
TEREZI: (th1s 1s 4ll just wrong)  
KANAYA: (You Know You Really Cant Execute Me Now)  
TEREZI: (1 c4n, 4nd 1 should!)  
TEREZI: (1f you th1nk th1s 1ll1c1t m4t3spr1tsh1p 1s such 4 t3rr1bl3 1d34)  
TEREZI: (th3n why don't you just l3t 1t drop?!)  
KANAYA: (An Excellent Question)  
KANAYA: (Without Getting Too Far Into It This Time)  
KANAYA: (Lets Just Say Theres Something In Your Brokenness To Which I Relate)  
KANAYA: (I Can Admire The Strength Of Your Resolve In The Face Of An Impossible Situation)  
KANAYA: (The Cleverness Of The Trap You Just Laid For Me)  
KANAYA: (And Other Qualities More Visible To Me Than To You)  
KANAYA: (You Need Not Worry That I Am Merely Bargaining For My Life)  
KANAYA: (But Ultimately Since You Are The One Threatening To Kill Me With Professional Privilege)  
KANAYA: (The Decision Rests With You)  
TEREZI: (uuuggghhh)  
TEREZI: (th1s 1s not som3th1ng 1 c4n l34v3 up to my own 1mp41r3d judgm3nt)  
TEREZI: (th3r3 1s only on3 pr1nc1pl3d w4y to d3c1d3)

> Terezi: Flip. 

TEREZI: ...  
KANAYA: ...  
TEREZI: (w3ll sh1t)  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: (So)  
KANAYA: (Co-Corporal Pyrope)  
KANAYA: (What Have You Decided To Do With Me)  
TEREZI: (4t 34s3, 3ns1gn)  
TEREZI: (for th3 n3xt s1xty m1nut3s, 4nd th3 n3xt s1xty m1nut3s only)  
TEREZI: (you m4y c4ll m3 t3r3z1)


	3. Karkat:  Flip.

> Hours in the future, but not many... 

**Scene:** the break room of the _Battleterror._

KANAYA: Good Evening Co-Corporal Pyrope  
KANAYA: I Wasnt Expecting To See You This Early  
KANAYA: Ill Put The Coffee On In Just A Moment  
KARKAT: AT EASE, ENSIGN.  
KARKAT: I'M NOT HERE FOR COFFEE, THAT'S FOR FUCKING SURE.  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: Co-Corporal Vantas  
KANAYA: How May I Be Of Service  
KARKAT: HONESTLY? YOU CAN HAVE A SEAT AND LISTEN TO ME.  
KANAYA: Okay  
KARKAT: I'M NOT GOING TO MINCE WORDS HERE. YOU KNOW I SUCK AT THAT.  
KARKAT: YOU'VE BEEN DOING AMAZING WORK KEEPING OUR OPERATION AFLOAT.  
KARKAT: I'LL BE RECOMMENDING YOU FOR PROMOTION WHEN WE'RE DONE HERE.  
KANAYA: Well  
KANAYA: Um  
KANAYA: Thank You Sir  
KARKAT: DON'T MENTION IT.  
KARKAT: NO, REALLY. JUST DON'T.  
KANAYA: But  
KANAYA: That Isnt All You Wanted To Discuss With Me Is It  
KARKAT: WELLLLL.  
KANAYA: You Look Really Tired Actually  
KANAYA: While I Appreciate The Singsong Melody Of A Good Pleasantry As Much As The Next Troll  
KANAYA: May I Inquire As To The Substance Of The Discussion You Would Like To Have With Me

======>

KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (DON'T MENTION THIS EITHER, IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.)  
KARKAT: (BUT I THINK CO-CORPORAL PYROPE IS FALLING FOR YOU.)  
KARKAT: (FLUSHED, IN FACT.)  
KARKAT: (AND I THINK ALL THREE OF US ARE GOING TO BE FLUSHED, RIGHT DOWN THE PROVERBIAL LOAD GAPER, IF SHE ACTUALLY HITS ROCK BOTTOM.)  
KANAYA: (Um)  
KANAYA: (She Can Totally Hear You Cant She)  
KANAYA: (Like Isnt She Literally Right There Listening)  
KARKAT: (THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO KEEP IT DOWN.)  
KARKAT: (SHE'S STILL ASLEEP FROM LAST NIGHT.)  
KARKAT: (LIKE SHE STAYED OUT UNUSUALLY LATE OR SOMETHING.)  
KARKAT: (HMMM, SHE MUST HAVE BEEN PAYING DOWN THE PAPERWORK ON OUR CASELOAD WITH TRULY ADMIRABLE PROFESSIONAL ENTHUSIASM.)  
KARKAT: (OH WAIT, ISN'T THAT YOUR JOB NOW? FASCINATING.)  
KANAYA: (How Is It Possible For Her To Sleep While You Walk Around)  
KANAYA: (Or For That Matter For You To Do So While She Sleeps)  
KARKAT: (FUCK IF I KNOW.)  
KARKAT: (I'M CHALKING IT UP TO WEIRD NEUROSCIENCE SHIT.)  
KARKAT: (BUT I CAN JUST TELL WHEN SHE'S CHECKED OUT, YOU KNOW?)  
KANAYA: (Anyway)  
KANAYA: (What Gives You The Impression That She Is Amorously Inclined Towards Me)  
KARKAT: (OH PLEASE, DISPENSE WITH THE THEATRICAL DISPLAY OF IGNORANCE.)  
KARKAT: (APART FROM THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A FUSSY OVERACHIEVER AFTER HER OWN HEART, SHE'S CHECKING YOU OUT WAY MORE THAN IS APPROPRIATE.)  
KANAYA: (But Shes Blind Remember)  
KARKAT: (CAN'T YOU HEAR HER SNIFFING AFTER YOU PASS BY?)  
KANAYA: (How Is This Conversation Any More Appropriate Than Her Alleged Behavior)  
KARKAT: (IT ISN'T, BUT I THINK IT'S NECESSARY.)  
KANAYA: (And Even Assuming This Was Taking Place And Negatively Affecting Our Performance While On Duty)  
KANAYA: (Which It Isnt At Present)  
KANAYA: (Arent There Channels One Of Us Could Take This Through)  
KARKAT: (YOU THINK THE CHAIN OF COMMAND HAS TIME TO WORRY ABOUT THIS SHIT?)  
KARKAT: (I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU, INTERN! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE.)  
KARKAT: (THOSE CHANNELS AREN'T MEANT TO ACTUALLY RESOLVE CONFLICTS.)  
KARKAT: (IF WE'RE VERY, VERY LUCKY, WE MIGHT GET A PANTOMIME TRIBUNAL.)  
KARKAT: (BUT BASICALLY, THEY GET WIND THAT THIS DIDN'T STOP FROM BEING A THING THAT HAPPENED, AND WE'RE ALL IN SOLITARY, OR WORSE, FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY "SUPERIOROFFICERFUCKER.")  
KANAYA: (That Doesnt Sound Like Something Id Say)  
KANAYA: (And Solitary Isnt Really An Option For You Two)  
KARKAT: (LOOK, INDULGE MY IDLE SENSE OF HUMOR FOR JUST A MOMENT.)  
KANAYA: (Are You Threatening Me)  
KARKAT: (NO, I'M DESPERATELY TRYING TO ESCAPE THE INEXORABLE PULL OF A VERITABLE ROMANTIC SINGULARITY, WHICH, DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS TO AVOID IT, DOESN'T STOP FROM GETTING CLOSER.)  
KANAYA: (All Right)  
KANAYA: (Supposing)  
KANAYA: (Purely Hypothetically You Understand)  
KANAYA: (That Everything Were About To Play Out Just As You Say)  
KANAYA: (What Would You Want Me To Do About It)

======>

KARKAT: (I WANT YOU TO JUST PLAY DUMB.)  
KARKAT: (NOT FOR ME, LITTLE MISS STARLIGHT, BUT FOR HER.)  
KARKAT: (STRING THIS SCENARIO OUT UNTIL AFTER OUR ASSIGNMENT IS OVER.)  
KARKAT: (AFTER THAT, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.)  
KARKAT: (I'M NOT THE JEALOUS OR POSSESSIVE TYPE HERE.)  
KARKAT: (BUT DON'T GET US MURDERED OVER A THOUGHTLESS MOMENT'S PLEASURE.)  
KARKAT: (OR OVER FEAR OF REPRISAL, AT LEAST FROM EITHER OF US.)  
KARKAT: (I CAN PROTECT YOU FROM HER, BUT NOT FROM YOUR OWN STUPIDITY.)   
KANAYA: (Now Youre Blaming Me For This Situation)  
KANAYA: (Do You Really Believe Ive Done Anything To Encourage This)  
KARKAT: (MAYBE YOU HAVE, MAYBE YOU HAVEN'T. I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE, YET.)  
KARKAT: (HOWEVER, LET US TAKE A MOMENT TO MEDITATE ON THE NUMBER OF FUCKS I GIVE ABOUT BLAME RIGHT NOW.)  
KARKAT: (TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND PICTURE IT IN YOUR HEAD. IT'S A NICE ROUND NUMBER, THE ROUNDEST THERE IS IN FACT.)  
KARKAT: (YOU COULD USE IT AS A HULA HOOP, OR ROLL IT LAZILY DOWN THE HALL UNTIL IT STOPPED CARING AND FELL OVER.)  
KARKAT: (I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT BLAME, I'M TALKING ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY.)  
KARKAT: (I'M TALKING ABOUT AVERTING CONSEQUENCES THAT MUST SURELY FOLLOW FROM THE BLINKERED INDIFFERENCE OF THE SYSTEM IN WHICH WE ARE FIRMLY EMBEDDED LIKE A DECORATIVE PENNANT IN A BEHEMOTH LEAVING.)  
KANAYA: (So You Suggest I String Her Along Instead Of Standing Up To Her)  
KARKAT: (PERHAPS THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS "INSUBORDINATION"?)  
KARKAT: (THERE IS A POWER IMBALANCE HERE, YOU'VE GOT TO FINESSE IT.)  
KANAYA: (Isnt That A Bit Hypocritical Though)  
KANAYA: (Havent You Been Quite Strung Out Yourself Lately)  
KANAYA: (And Relying On Me To Keep You Going)  
KANAYA: (Particularly As Regards My Increasingly Less Than Casual Auspisticizing Between You Two)  


======>

KARKAT: (BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THAT NOT-SO-SUBTLETY ISN'T LOST ON ME.)  
KARKAT: (AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REMINDING ME OF HOW UNSTABLE MY OVERALL EMOTIONAL STATE IS RIGHT NOW.)  
KARKAT: (I KNOW I'M OUT OF MY DEPTH HERE. I KNOW WE'RE CONSTANTLY STRUGGLING TO JUST BARELY MAINTAIN A GRIP ON THINGS.)  
KARKAT: (FUCK, I SOUND LIKE SUCH A WHINER WHEN I SAY THAT OUT LOUD.)  
KARKAT: (BUT THAT HEALTHY RIVALRY WE USED TO HAVE DEPENDED ON ME BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO MY OWN RESPITEBLOCK NOW AND THEN TO PROCESS WHAT HAPPENED.)  
KARKAT: (TO GIVE MYSELF SOME ROOM TO SIFT OUT THE USEFUL LESSONS FROM ALL OF THE RAGE AND INSECURITY, AND REMIND MYSELF WHY I VALUED HER DESPITE THE WAYS SHE DRIVES ME STRAIGHT UP THE VERTICAL LOAD-BEARING SURFACE.)  
KANAYA: (Mmmhmm)  
KARKAT: (YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE NAGGING VOICE OF SELF-DOUBT IN YOUR HEAD?)  
KARKAT: (HAVE YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE TOO?)  
KANAYA: (I Know The One You Mean)  
KANAYA: (Although Not Everybody Would Describe It That Way)  
KANAYA: (I Believe The Prevalence Of Such Psychological Phenomena Is Wider Than Many Would Care To Admit)  
KARKAT: (BEFORE THE PROCEDURE, EVEN IN MY WORST TIMES, I COULD EVENTUALLY REMOVE MYSELF FROM WHAT THAT VOICE WAS SAYING TO FIND SOME WAY FORWARD.)  
KARKAT: (LARGELY BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS JUST ANOTHER VERSION OF ME THAT WAS BEING A COMPLETE MORON.)  
KARKAT: (BUT WHAT IF YOU CAN'T GET THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD TO SHUT UP ANYMORE?)  
KARKAT: (BECAUSE IT ISN'T YOUR OWN STUPID OTHER SELF'S VOICE, BUT SOMEONE ELSE'S ENTIRELY?)  
KARKAT: (AND THE HATE IS ACTUAL OBJECTIVE CONTEMPT INSTEAD OF YOUR OWN MISPLACED DOUBT IN YOURSELF?)  
KARKAT: (HOW DO YOU GO ON THEN?)  
KANAYA: (Have You Actually Tried Talking To Her About It)  
KANAYA: (You Know)  
KANAYA: (When Youre Off Duty)  


======>

KARKAT: (HAHA, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WE WERE BOTH AWAKE AND NOT ON DUTY?!)  
KARKAT: (ANYWAY, I'VE TRIED, BUT IT DIDN'T GO VERY FAR.)  
KARKAT: (I ACTUALLY THINK SHE'S HAVING SIMILAR PROBLEMS?)  
KARKAT: (BUT SHE'S LESS ABLE TO ADMIT THAT TO HERSELF, SO SHE TAKES IT OUT ON ME INSTEAD.)  
KARKAT: (SHE HAS SOME FEDERAL FUCKING ISSUES WITH NOT BEING IN COMPLETE CONTROL OF A SITUATION.)  
KARKAT: (NOT SURE WHERE SHE PICKED THOSE UP, BUT I ONLY NOTICED ONCE I COULDN'T GET AWAY FROM HER.)  
KARKAT: (I'M NOT ABLE TO CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING MEANINGFUL TO OUR DUTIES, OR EVEN OUR RELATIONSHIP, ANYMORE.)  
KARKAT: (AND IT'S DRIVING ME ABSOLUTELY SHITHIVE MAGGOTS.)  
KARKAT: (SOMETIMES I CAN'T TAKE IT AND I LASH OUT AT HER, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT'LL JUST MAKE THINGS WORSE.)  
KARKAT: (DOES SHE TALK ME THROUGH IT, FIGURE OUT WHAT'S REALLY EATING ME?)  
KARKAT: (NOT A CHANCE. SHE TRIES TO BOTTLE ME UP, TELLS ME TO BEHAVE.)  
KARKAT: (SO OF COURSE THAT MAKES ME FEEL EVEN MORE TRAPPED, AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES.)  
KARKAT: (YEAH, THAT'S HOW I FEEL. TRAPPED. IT'S AWFUL.)  
KARKAT: (AND IF I TRY TO CALL A TRUCE, SHE SMELLS WEAKNESS AND TEARS INTO ME LIKE A RABID BARKBEAST.)  
KARKAT: (EVEN THOUGH I'M CONVINCED SHE NEEDS ONE AS BADLY AS I DO.)  
KARKAT: (NORMAL TWO-BODY KISMESES RETREAT TO LICK THEIR WOUNDS ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.)  
KARKAT: (WE'RE NOT EVEN REMOTELY NORMAL ANYMORE, AND IT'S FUCKING US UP BUT GOOD.)  
KANAYA: (That Is)  
KANAYA: (More Or Less My Exact Assessment Of The Situation Now That You Mention It)  
KANAYA: (But If You Cant Get The Support You Need From Her Right Now)  
KANAYA: (Perhaps You Can Talk To Others With Some Distance From The Situation)  
KANAYA: (Via Some Suitably Anonymized And Counterfactual Presentation)  
KARKAT: (RIGHT, EXACTLY. TURN TO YOUR FRIENDS.)  
KARKAT: (BUT WHAT FEW NON-LETHAL ASSOCIATES, TO SAY NOTHING OF FRIENDS, I ONCE HAD CHECKED OUT AFTER I TOOK THE TWO-FOR-ONE DEAL.)  
KARKAT: (EVEN IF THEY'RE ABLE TO REVERSE THE PROCESS, OF WHICH I AM BY NO MEANS CONVINCED, WE'RE BASICALLY FREAKS AND OUTCASTS NOW.)  
KARKAT: (I HAVE A HARD TIME CONVINCING MYSELF YOU DON'T SHARE THAT LOATHING, BUT AT LEAST YOU DON'T MAKE IT AS FUCKING OBVIOUS AS OTHERS ON THIS SHIP DO.)  
KARKAT: (AND FOR THAT, YOU KNOW.)  
KARKAT: (YOU'RE ACTUALLY OKAY, ENSIGN MARYAM.)  
KANAYA: (Thank You)  
KANAYA: (I Guess)  
KARKAT: (UGH, I'VE ALREADY FAILED UTTERLY IN MY DUTY AND EXPOSED MYSELF TO POTENTIAL FOR GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM JUST BY TELLING YOU THAT.)  
KANAYA: (Its Not As Much Loathing As You Seem To Think)  
KANAYA: (Youre Actually Very Thoughtful When Youre Not On The Offensive)  
KANAYA: (You Both Badly Need A Real Auspistice Instead Of Me)  
KANAYA: (But It Seems What You Personally Need Right Now Is A Moirail)  


> Karkat: Flip. 

KARKAT: WHAT? NO.  
KARKAT: WE'RE NOT DOING THIS. WE'RE NOT FUCKING GOING THERE.  
KANAYA: Im Afraid We Are Already Well Down The Road That Goes There  
KARKAT: HAVEN'T YOU HEARD A *SINGLE* WORD I'VE BEEN SAYING?!?!?!  
TEREZI: (grzrblhff?!)  
KARKAT: ...  
KANAYA: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KANAYA: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KANAYA: ...  
TEREZI: (zzzzz...)

======>

KARKAT: (oh god oh god we're all gonna die)  
KARKAT: (i'm gonna fucking die and i'll never see out of my own eyes again)  
KARKAT: (everyone is gonna die because we can't keep it all in our--)  
KANAYA: (Shoosh)  
KARKAT: (NO HAHAHA THIS IS NOT HAPPENING AND NEEDS TO STOP NOW!)  
KARKAT: (EVERYBODY STOP WITH ALL THE INAPPROPRIATE OVERTURES AND THE RIDICULOUS SNIFFING AND THE STUPID WIGGLER INSULTS AND THE COY DODGING OF RESPONSIBILITY AND THE--)  
KANAYA: (Shooossshhh)  
KANAYA: (Shhhooooossssshhhhh)  
KARKAT: ?!?!  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: (Pap)  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (GODDAMMIT.)

======>

KANAYA: (Is This Discussion Well And Truly Concluded)  
KANAYA: (If So Id Better Put The Coffee On Before She Wakes Up)  
KARKAT: (YEAH.)  
KARKAT: (I SUPPOSE YOU'D BETTER.)

======>

KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (THE WEIRDEST PART OF IT IS, EVEN IF I CAN'T SEE OUT OF MY OWN EYES RIGHT NOW, I'M STARTING TO SEE OUT OF HERS.)  
KARKAT: (LIKE, LITERALLY.)  
KARKAT: (AND THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. SHE ONCE TOLD ME SHE BURNED OUT HER EYES IN A PUPAHOOD ACCIDENT, FUCKING AROUND IN THE DAYTIME.)  
KARKAT: (BUT IF THAT'S THE CASE, SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY LIGHT SENSITIVITY.)  
KARKAT: (AND HERE I AM NOW, A FEW WEEKS LATER, VISION BLURRY AS ALL HELL BUT DEFINITELY SEEING THINGS, BADLY.)  
KARKAT: (I CAN'T READ THAT POSTER BUT I CAN TELL IT'S TROLL TOM CRUISE, IN THE CLASSIC ART CINEMA PRODUCTION,)  
KARKAT: ("THE ONE WHERE TROLL TOM CRUISE ENGAGES TROLL VAL KILMER IN CALIGINOUS BUFFOONERY AND COMPETITIVE AEROBATIC BULLSHIT ON A MILITARY BASE, WHILE SECRETLY PURSUING A MATESPRITSHIP WITH TROLL KELLY MCGILLIS ON THE SIDE, WHEREUPON TRAGIC EVENTS CAUSE HIM TO LOSE CONFIDENCE IN HIMSELF UNTIL HE EVENTUALLY RALLIES AND JOINS FORCES WITH HIS KISMESIS TO SAVE THE DAY ONCE AGAIN.")  
KARKAT: (YEAH. THAT'S THE ONE. I THINK.)  
KARKAT: (EITHER THAT ONE OR,)  
KARKAT: ("THE ONE WHERE TROLL TOM CRUISE TRAVELS FOR WEEKS ON A WATERBORNE VESSEL WITH TROLL NICOLE KIDMAN UNTIL REACHING A MAJOR CITY ON A SEPARATE CONTINENT, WHERE HE STARTS A PRIZEFIGHTING CAREER THAT SUBSEQUENTLY TANKS AND OTHER SHENANIGANS OCCUR, UNTIL EVENTUALLY HE JOURNEYS FURTHER IN THE SAME DIRECTION HE HAD BEEN PREVIOUSLY GOING, AND IS MIRACULOUSLY REUNITED WITH KIDMAN IN MATESPRITSHIP TO PURSUE WHAT ANY REASONABLE OBSERVER MUST PRESUME WILL BE A CONTENTED BUT ULTIMATELY TOTALLY DULL AGRARIAN LIFESTYLE.")  
KARKAT: (HRMPH.)  
KARKAT: (COULD OUR BLINDNESS HAVE BEEN NEUROLOGICAL RATHER THAN EYE-RELATED?)  
KARKAT: (COULD RECOVERY OF LOST SENSES BE A SIDE EFFECT OF THIS SHIT?)  
KARKAT: (CAN SHE SEE ANYTHING? OR IS IT JUST ME?)  
KARKAT: (JEGUS FUCK IS THIS WHOLE SITUATION MESSED UP.)  
KARKAT: (TALK ABOUT INFORMATION ASYMMETRY.)

======>

KANAYA: Here Is The New Urn  
TEREZI: *y444wwwn*  
TEREZI: ...  
TEREZI: HUH  
TEREZI: LOOKS L1K3 W3'R3 4LR34DY H3R3  
KARKAT: WHAT A REMARKABLY ASTUTE OBSERVATION TO START OUR SHIFT WITH.  
KARKAT: FULL MARKS FOR PERCEPTIVENESS!  
TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 W3 4LR34DY DO1NG H3R3?  
KARKAT: THE NIGHTS AREN'T GETTING ANY SHORTER, SO I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO GET ON TOP OF THE CASELOAD RIGHT AWAY.  
TEREZI: HOW UNCH4R4CT3R1ST1C4LLY CONS1D3R4T3 OF YOU  
TEREZI: 4ND HOW ODDLY FLUST3R3D YOU S33M D3SP1T3 YOUR BR4V4DO  
KANAYA: And Here Is Your Mug  
KANAYA: And The Case File  
TEREZI: UGH  
TEREZI: SO HOW M4NY DO W3 H4V3 TON1GHT  
KARKAT: LET'S SEE.  
KARKAT: *SEVEN*?!  
TEREZI: DON'T ST4RT M3SS1NG W1TH M3 UNT1L 1'V3 H4D 4T L34ST *SOM3* COFF33  
KARKAT: I'M NOT. THERE ARE *SEVEN* DOSSIERS IN THE CASE FILE.  
TEREZI: L3T M3 R34D TH4T MYS3LF!  
KARKAT: HELL NO. BY THE TIME YOU'RE DONE GIVING IT A TONGUE-LASHING, THE WHOLE FILE WILL BE TOTALLY ILLEGIBLE AND I'LL BE TASTING INK FOR THE REST OF THE SHIFT.  
TEREZI: *S1GH*  
TEREZI: 1'M TOO T1R3D TO 4RGU3 W1TH YOU R1GHT NOW  
TEREZI: 3NS1GN M4RY4M, COULD YOU PL34S3 R34D TH3 CH4RG3 L1ST 4LOUD  
TEREZI: *s111p*  
KANAYA: Number One  
KANAYA: Ensign Chiron Proxim Bronzeblood Twelve Sweeps  
KANAYA: Conspiring To Mutiny By Whispering Ill Advised Slogans To Squadmates Right Outside The Entrance To The Highbloods Cabin  
KANAYA: Number Two  
KANAYA: Ensign Auriga Capela Bronzeblood Ten Sweeps  
KANAYA: Assault On A Superior Officer By Running Him Over With An Unauthorized One Wheel Device  
KANAYA: Perpetrator Is Still At Large And Caution Is Advised  
KARKAT: OH COME ON, THOSE THINGS WERE BANNED AND CONFISCATED TWO WEEKS AGO.  
KARKAT: FOR MORE OR LESS PRECISELY THIS REASON.  
KARKAT: WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GET IT FROM?!  
TEREZI: 1 DON'T R34LLY C4R3  
TEREZI: *sllluuuurrrp*  
KARKAT: AH, I BET HE STOLE IT FROM THE SUBJUGGLATORS, THAT'D EXPLAIN IT.  
KANAYA: Number Three  
KANAYA: Ensign Corvus Coraxi Bronzeblood Eleven Sweeps  
KANAYA: Conspiring To Mutiny By Sending Anonymous Seditious Messages Out Over The Ship Intranet  
KARKAT: NOT ANONYMOUS ENOUGH, I GUESS.  
KANAYA: Number Four  
TEREZI: HOLD ON, STOP, TH1S 1S R1D1CULOUS  
TEREZI: S3R1OUSLY, 4R3N'T 4NY *OTH3R* BLOOD TYP3S CH4RG3D TON1GHT?!  
KANAYA: Number Four Ensign Prolix Stomar  
KANAYA: *Goldblood*  
KANAYA: Eight Sweeps  
KANAYA: Aiding And Abetting Previously Mentioned Subversive Influence By Releasing A ~Ath Worm Onto The Ship Intranet  
KARKAT: OKAY, OKAY, WE GET IT. STOP READING FOR NOW.  
KARKAT: THAT'LL TAKE US UNTIL AT LEAST MIDNIGHT TO GET THROUGH.  
KANAYA: Would You Like Me To Leave The List With You  
KANAYA: Or Shall I Just See You Back Here In A Few Hours  
TEREZI: W3'LL K33P 1T, TH4NKS  
KANAYA: All Right  
KANAYA: If You Require My Assistance I Will Be In The Adjoining Foodblock

======>

KARKAT: WELL, WE SEEM TO BE IN FOR THE USUAL DUNG HEAP OF A NIGHT.  
KARKAT: SEVEN BODIES, MOST OF THEM PROBABLY JUST STUPID WIGGLERS GETTING CULLED FOR FUCKING AROUND INSTEAD OF ANYONE REALLY DANGEROUS.  
KARKAT: IT SHOULDN'T BE OUR JOB TO CULL RANDOMS, OR TO ENFORCE DISCIPLINE AGAINST COMPLETELY HUMDRUM ROUTINE VIOLATIONS.  
KARKAT: THAT SHOULD BE THE SQUAD LEADER'S JOB, AND IT SHOULD BE HARROWING BUT NONLETHAL SO THAT THEY STILL HAVE A SQUAD BY MORNING.  
KARKAT: IF THE OTHERS IN OUR UNIT HAVE CASELOADS ANYTHING LIKE OURS, I BET ALMOST TWENTY PERCENT OF THE WHOLE DAMN CREW HAS BEEN KILLED OVER THE LAST FEW WEEKS, MOST OF THEM FOR UTTERLY TRIVIAL OFFENSES.  
KARKAT: WHENCE CAME THIS RASH OF PETTY MISCONDUCT, AND AT THE SAME TIME, THE DIRECTIVE FROM THE CHAIN OF COMMAND TO PUT IT DOWN AS MERCILESSLY AS IF IT WERE ACTUAL FUCKING TREASON?  
KARKAT: AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS IS TOTAL BULLSHIT?!  
KARKAT: AM I?!?!  
KARKAT: HEY, TEREZI, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?  
TEREZI: (shhh!)  
KARKAT: DON'T SHUSH ME, I'M ASKING WHAT YOU THINK OF--  
TEREZI: (SHHHHH!!!)  
KARKAT: ...  
TEREZI: (YOU 4SK3D M3 WH4T 1 TH1NK, SO 1'M TRY1NG TO TH1NK)  
TEREZI: (4ND TH3 SHORT 4NSW3R 1S NO)  
TEREZI: (YOU'R3 NOT TH3 ONLY ON3)  
TEREZI: (1 TOO TH1NK TH1S 1S TOT4L BULLSH1T)  
TEREZI: (4LL TH1S D1SC1PL1N4RY NONS3NS3)  
TEREZI: (1T DO3SN'T M4K3 S3NS3)  
TEREZI: (TH1S 1S NOT TH3 USU4L SL4T3 OF CR1M3S)  
KARKAT: (I KNOW, RIGHT? USUALLY IT'S MORE LIKE ACTUAL MUTINY PLOTS.)  
TEREZI: (R1GHT)  
KARKAT: (WITH MORE LEG WORK NEEDED TO INVESTIGATE, INSTEAD OF JUST ROUNDING THEM UP AND RAMMING SHARP OBJECTS INTO THEIR ANGUISH BLADDERS.)  
TEREZI: (R1GHT, 3X4CTLY)  
KARKAT: (YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S AN *ACTUAL* CONSPIRACY, DO YOU?)  
TEREZI: (1 DOUBT 1T, OR OUR 1NFORM4NTS WOULD H4V3 L3T US KNOW)  
KARKAT: (SO WHAT'S GOING ON?)  
TEREZI: (1'LL B3 FUCK3D 1F 1 KNOW)  
TEREZI: *sllluuuurrrp*

> AO3 Reader: Click onwards towards the thrilling conclusion.


	4. Kankarezisplode!

> After it kept happening a few more times...

**Scene:** the break room of the _Battleterror._

The door opens forcefully, almost coming off its hinges as it slams into the doorjamb. TEREZI and KARKAT enter. In the dim light given off by KANAYA's body, she can be seen fangs-deep in the neck of a recently-deprived-of-life BRONZEBLOOD REDSHIRT.

Along the walls, a few more BRONZEBLOODS are laid out on the tables, feet elevated, with DRAINAGE SHUNTS placed into their necks. The contents of their VASCULAR SYSTEMS are being funnelled into the COFFEE URN.

There is an AWKWARD SILENCE. KANAYA freezes. TEREZI/KARKAT's face is stony and impassive.

======>

TEREZI: *sn1ff*  
TEREZI: 3NS1GN M4RY4M  
TEREZI: 1 H4D HOP3D 1T WOULD NOT COM3 TO TH1S  
KANAYA: As Did I  
TEREZI: 4ND Y3T H3R3 W3 ST4ND  
KANAYA: So It Seems  
TEREZI: 1 3XP3CT3D B3TT3R FROM YOU  
KANAYA: After Last Night  
KANAYA: I Didnt Think You Really Knew What To Expect From Me Anymore  
KANAYA: But All You Had To Do Was Stay In Bed  
TEREZI: 1 SHOULD H4V3 D1SP4TCH3D YOU WH3N 1 H4D TH3 CH4NC3  
KARKAT: COULD SOMEONE FINALLY MAKE WITH THE EXPOSITION AND TELL ME WHAT IN THE BLOODTHIRSTY HATEFLIRTING *FUCK* IS GOING ON HERE.  
KARKAT: AND WHY IT IS TAKING PLACE AT THIS COMPLETELY UNCIVILIZED HOUR.  
TEREZI: 4LLOW M3

======>

TEREZI: W3'V3 H4D 4N UNUSU4LLY H34VY C4S3LO4D OV3R TH3 L4ST F3W W33KS  
TEREZI: 4T L34ST TW1C3 4S M4NY C4S3S 4S W3'R3 US3D TO D34L1NG W1TH  
TEREZI: TH1S W4S 4LR34DY TOUGH FOR US, H3NC3 3NS1GN M4RY4M  
TEREZI: S1NC3 TH3N OUR C4S3LO4D H4S DOUBL3D 4G41N, WH1CH 1 ORD1N4R1LY WOULDN'T H4V3 THOUGHT POSS1BL3  
TEREZI: 4ND MOR3 OF TH3M F4T4L1T13S 4S W3LL  
TEREZI: WH1CH YOU, K4RK4T, D1DN'T TH1NK POSS1BL3 YOURS3LF  
TEREZI: 1T TOOK US 4 WH1L3 TO RUN 4LL TH4T TO GROUND  
TEREZI: YOU'LL R3M3MB3R W3 CROSS-R3F3R3NC3D 4LL TH3 CH4RG3S B4CK W1TH TH3 C3NTR4L1Z3D D4T4B4S3 1N TH3 SH1P'S COMPUT3RS  
TEREZI: 3V3RYTH1NG CH3CK3D OUT, MUCH TO OUR CH4GR1N  
TEREZI: W3 QU3ST1ON3D 4 F3W OF TH3 K3Y OFF1C3RS, 4ND THOUGH TH3Y W3R3 4TYP1C4LLY BRUT4L 3V3N BY 4LT3RN14N ST4ND4RDS, TH31R T3ST1MONY 4GR33D W1TH WH4T F3W F4CTS W3 H4D ON H4ND  
TEREZI: 1M4G1N3 MY SURPR1S3, TH3N, WH3N OUR SUP3R1OR OFF1C3R CONGR4TUL4T3D US 1N OUR P3RFORM4NC3 R3V13W FOR B31NG 4 MOD3L OF 3FF1C13NCY  
TEREZI: W3 H4D B33N PROC3SS1NG N34RLY H4LF TH3 C4S3S FOR TH3 WHOL3 *UN1T*  
TEREZI: BUT TH3 R34LLY UNUSU4L TH1NG W4S TH3 BLOOD TYP3 D1STR1BUT1ON  
TEREZI: TH3 L4ST TH1NG 1 D1D B3FOR3 R3TURN1NG TO OUR R3SP1T3BLOCK L4ST N1GHT W4S TO DOUBL3-CH3CK TH3 SH1P'S ROST3R  
TEREZI: TH3R3 W4S NO W4Y W3 W3R3 G3TT1NG SO M4NY BRONZ3BLOODS PUR3LY BY CH4NC3  
TEREZI: SOM3TH1NG H4D TO B3 UP  
KARKAT: OKAY, ENOUGH EXPOSITION, NOW GET TO THE GODDAMN POINT.  
TEREZI: 3NS1GN K4N4Y4 M4RY4M, 1 4M PL4C1NG YOU UND3R 4RR3ST FOR CONSP1R4CY TO COMM1T M4SS MURD3R, F4LS1F1C4T1ON OF L3G4L R3CORDS, 4ND UN4UTHOR1Z3D 3XS4NGU1N4T1ON OF M1L1T4RY P3RSONN3L  
TEREZI: HOW DO YOU PL34D  
KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT?  
KANAYA: Terezi  
KANAYA: Please Dont Do This  
KARKAT: *WHAT*  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW TH4T'S NOT TH3 K1ND OF PL34D1NG 1'M T4LK1NG 4BOUT

> Kanaya: Plead. 

KANAYA: Not Guilty  
KANAYA: Not To All Charges At Least  
KANAYA: I May Perhaps Have Abused My Own Privileged Position Somewhat  
KANAYA: But Not To The Degree Youre Imagining  
KANAYA: None Of The Charges In Your Files Were Fabricated  
KANAYA: They Would Have Been Dealt With By Some Arm Of The Military Police  
KANAYA: The Only Liberty I Took Was In Making Sure *We* Processed Them  
TEREZI: Y3S, 4ND 1 C4N SM3LL YOU PROC3SS1NG TH3M FURTH3R R1GHT NOW  
TEREZI: WH1CH BR1NGS M3 TO TH3 CR1T1C4L P13C3 OF 3V1D3NC3  
TEREZI: K4RK4T, YOU W3R3 WOND3R1NG WHY 1 TOOK TH3 L1B3RTY OF T4ST1NG ON3 OF OUR P3RP3TR4TORS ON OUR ROUNDS L4ST N1GHT  
KARKAT: YEAH, AND I TOLD YOU THAT WAS FUCKING GROSS, AND THAT YOU WERE BEING ALL WEIRD AGAIN TRYING TO ACT HARD-BOILED AND BADASS.  
TEREZI: YOUR TONGU3 M4Y NOT B3 4S S3NS1T1V3 4S M1N3  
TEREZI: BUT 1T W4S TH3N TH4T 1 R3COGN1Z3D TH3 S3CR3T 1NGR3D13NT 1N TH3 COFF33  
KANAYA: But  
KANAYA: I Only Added It To My Own Mug  
KANAYA: And I Always Clean The Urn Quite Carefully In Any Case  
KANAYA: After Decanting Its Contents Into More Manageable Containers  
TEREZI: NOT C4R3FULLY 3NOUGH, 3V1D3NTLY!  
TEREZI: MUST H4V3 B33N 4 CLOT L3FT 1N TH3 SPOUT  
TEREZI: F41NT, BUT UNM1ST4K4BL3  
KANAYA: Somehow Even I Underestimated Your Sense Of Smell  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?! OH GOD. OH GOD.  
KARKAT: YOU'RE BOTH WEIRDOS. I'M SURROUNDED BY WEIRDOS.  
KARKAT: ENSIGN, WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCK ARE YOU THAT POACHES BODIES FROM THE REST OF OUR UNIT JUST SO YOU CAN ADD *BLOOD* TO YOUR COFFEE  
KANAYA: I Have To Stay Awake Too  
KANAYA: Ive Been Getting Even Less Sleep Than You  
KANAYA: My Body Clock Has Me Up In The Daytime  
KANAYA: And That Blood Is The Only Nutriment I Can Process  
TEREZI: WHY DO 1T H3R3, 4ND R1SK D1SCOV3RY L1K3 TH1S?  
KANAYA: This Is The Largest Space To Which I Currently Have Access  
KANAYA: And The Only One With Appropriate Storage  
TEREZI: SO YOU'R3 STOCKP1L1NG?  
KANAYA: Against Reductions In Extreme Punishments  
KANAYA: Times That Are Good For The Ship Tend To Be Very Lean For Me  
TEREZI: BUT WHY SO M4NY BRONZ3BLOODS?  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: No Fancy Explanation  
KANAYA: Theyre Just Delicious  
KANAYA: And Go Well With The Coffee  
KANAYA: As You Yourself Observed

> Karkat: Flip out. 

KARKAT: OH MY GOD, I FINALLY GET IT!  
KARKAT: SUFFERER'S SAKE, YOU'RE A RAINBOW DRINKER!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON THIS SHIP?!?!  
KARKAT: YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE, YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE!!!!!  
KARKAT: AND NOW YOU'RE DRAINING CORPSES OF CONDEMNED CRIMINALS IN OUR BREAK ROOM WHILE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP?!?!?!  
KARKAT: WHYYYYY  
KANAYA: Im Not Going To Provide You With My Whole Tragic Backstory Just So You Can Continue To Berate Me  
KARKAT: THIS IS TOO MUCH, I GIVE UP  
KARKAT: I HAVE RUN OUT OF SHOUTPOLES AND SURPRISE NOODLES AND NO LONGER HAVE THE CAPACITY TO MEANINGFULLY PUNCTUATE MY SENTENCES  
TEREZI: 1 H4D MY SUSP1C1ONS, BUT 1 D1DN'T PUT 1T 4LL TOG3TH3R UNT1L NOW  
KANAYA: But Terezi  
KANAYA: You Should Have Known Earlier  
KANAYA: The Evidence Was Literally In Your Hands  
KARKAT: UM, ENSIGN, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT  
KARKAT: AND WHY ARE YOU UNFASTENING THE TOP OF YOUR UNIFORM  
KANAYA: Im Not Talking To You Right Now Karkat  
TEREZI: K4N4Y4  
TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG  
KARKAT: OW, SO BRIGHT TURN IT DOWN  
KARKAT: TURN IT DOWN TURN IT DOWN TURN IT DOWN TURN IT DOWN TURN IT DOWN  
KARKAT: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOU, WHY DO YOU HAVE A HOLE IN YOU

> Terezi: Flip out. 

TEREZI: WH4T  
TEREZI: HOW C4N YOU S33 H3R  
TEREZI: HOW TH3 *FUCK* C4N YOU S33 H3R?!?!  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: WELL  
KANAYA: You Ran Your Fingers Along The Scar Of The Wound That Killed Me  
KANAYA: Like It Wasnt Even There  
KANAYA: Like It Didnt Matter From One Monstrous Freak To Another  
KANAYA: Just In Case You Didnt Notice Here It Is Again  
KANAYA: Why Dont You Put Your Hand All The Way Through It This Time  
KANAYA: Dont You Remember Any Of That  
KANAYA: Doesnt It Mean Anything To You  
KARKAT: WHAT, NO I DIDN'T  
KANAYA: Im Still Not Talking To You  
KARKAT: TEREZI  
KARKAT: WHAT IS  
KARKAT: KANAYA I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO  
KARKAT: OH GOD NO  
KANAYA: And As For Other You  
KANAYA: Okay Karkat Now I Am Talking To You  
KANAYA: Do You Think You Could Have Found It In You  
KANAYA: To Pay Down Some Of Your Emotional Debt With The Strength You Borrowed From Me  
KARKAT: NO NO NO BACK UP BACK UP  
TEREZI: 1 TRUST3D YOU!!!  
TEREZI: 1 LOV3D ON3 4ND H4T3D TH3 OTH3R  
TEREZI: BUT 1 TRUST3D YOU BOTH, JUST 4S F13RC3LY  
TEREZI: TO T3LL WH4T H4D TO B3 TOLD  
TEREZI: 4ND TO K33P H1DD3N WH4T COULD NOT B3 TOLD  
TEREZI: 4ND NOW 1 F1ND TH4T 3V3RYTH1NG W3 SH4R3D W4S 4 D1STR4CT1ON FROM TH3 K1ND OF 4CT1V1TY 1 SP3ND 4LL N1GHT, 3V3RY N1GHT, F1GHT1NG?!  
KANAYA: That Is Neither An Accurate Nor A Fair Characterization  
KARKAT: NO  
KARKAT: NO TEREZI YOU *DIDN'T*  
KARKAT: TELL ME YOU DIDN'T DO THIS  
KARKAT: WE WENT *OVER* THIS AND AGREED NOT TO FUCKING DO IT  
TEREZI: 4ND Y3T SOM3HOW, D3SP1T3 4NY SHR3D OF B3TT3R JUDGM3NT W3 M1GHT H4V3 D3PLOY3D, W3 BOTH D1D 1T 4NYW4Y  
KARKAT: WE HAVE GOT TO BE THE BIGGEST IDIOTS IN THE LONG AND STORIED PANTHEON OF ALTERNIAN IDIOCY  
KANAYA: Shut Up Both Of You

> Kanaya: Flip out. 

KANAYA: All Three Of Us Did  
KANAYA: All Three Of Us Are Complicit In This Whole Affair  
KANAYA: Ive Been Auspisticizing For You For A Month Now  
KANAYA: Not To Mention Filling Your Other Two Miserable Quadrants  
KANAYA: Apart From The Work Accounted For By My Salary  
KANAYA: Ive Been Doing More Emotional Labor Than Both Of You Put Together  
KANAYA: Not Once Have I Backed Away From Listening To You Hate Each Other  
KANAYA: Knowing It Was A Reflection Of Your Own Self Loathing  
KANAYA: And Eventually I Began To Be Drawn Into It  
KANAYA: Separately You Each Have So Much To Give  
KANAYA: Yet Together You Cant Seem To Think Beyond Taking  
KANAYA: Maybe In Other Circumstances We Could Have Formed A Stable Cluster  
KANAYA: But In The Moment In Which My Own Designs Were Irretrievably Lost  
KANAYA: I Wanted So Badly To Have Someone Who Would Understand The Weight Of The Secrets I Have to Keep  
KANAYA: And Seeing The Look Of Unalloyed Horror On Your Shared Face Now  
KANAYA: As You Realize How I Have Been Keeping Myself From Using You More Directly To Satisfy My Thirst  
KANAYA: And Listening To You Call Yourselves Mentally Deficient For Having Dared To Know Me  
KANAYA: I Think I Can Speak For All Three Of Us When I Say  
KANAYA: Fuck  
KANAYA: This  
KANAYA: Shit

> Players: Devolve into senseless squabbling. 

KARKAT: KANAYA, YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING *TOLD* US!!!  
KARKAT: WE COULD *EASILY* HAVE WORKED SOMETHING OUT!  
KARKAT: OKAY, MAYBE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE WEIRD AT FIRST.  
KARKAT: AND KIND OF GROSS. AND LOGISTICALLY, A MONUMENTAL PAIN IN THE ASS.  
KARKAT: WE DEFINITELY SHOULDN'T BE USING THIS SPACE FOR BLOOD-DRAINING SHENANIGANS.  
KARKAT: BUT FROM A PRACTICAL STANDPOINT, I'M SURE WE'D HAVE FOUND A WAY. EVENTUALLY.  
TEREZI: 4CTU4LLY, NO  
TEREZI: TH3R3 W4S NO W4Y TH1S 4RR4NG3M3NT COULD H4V3 WORK3D  
TEREZI: 1 WOULD H4V3 B33N DUTY BOUND TO R3PORT TH1S OP3R4T1ON 4ND 1TS OUTS1Z3D 1MP4CT ON OUR C4S3LO4D 4S SOON 4S 1 D1SCOV3R3D 1T  
KARKAT: AND YOU'D HAVE CONVENIENTLY LEFT THE *REST* OUT OF YOUR REPORT?!  
KARKAT: WE DIDN'T EXPECT THIS, BUT NOW THAT IT'S HAPPENED, WE FUCKING DEAL WITH IT INSTEAD OF PASSING THE BOONBUCK.  
KARKAT: AFTER EVERYTHING SHE'S DONE FOR US, WHY NOT DO HER ONE LITTLE SOLID AND FEED HER AT A MORE REASONABLE RATE?  
KARKAT: WE'VE ALREADY SATISFIED OURSELVES THAT THESE POOR FUCKS WOULD'VE BEEN SCAVENGER FOOD ANYWAY.  
KARKAT: WHICH IS STUPID, BUT WHAT REAL-WORLD DIFFERENCE WOULD OUR INTERVENTION HAVE MADE?  
KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE EMBEZZLING OR SOMETHING, THAT BLOOD ISN'T USEFUL TO ANYONE ELSE ANYMORE!  
TEREZI: YOU'D B3 SURPR1S3D WH4T PR3C3D3NTS H4V3 B33N S3T  
KARKAT: ALL I'M SAYING IS, WHY COULDN'T WE HAVE LOOKED THE OTHER WAY?  
KARKAT: ...OH FUCK, I WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT ONE.  
TEREZI: NO, K4RK4T  
TEREZI: 1 4CTU4LLY COULD NOT H4V3 "LOOK3D TH3 OTH3R W4Y"  
TEREZI: P4RTLY B3C4US3 1 4M 4N 1NSTRUM3NT OF TH3 RUL3 OF L4W  
TEREZI: 4 P1LL4R ON WH1CH TH3 3NT1R3 3D1F1C3 OF JUST1C3 R3STS  
TEREZI: BUT MOSTLY B3C4US3 1'M FUCK1NG *BL1ND*, YOU 4SSHOL3  
KANAYA: Of Course There Was No Way You Could Have Made Allowances  
KANAYA: Justice Is Blind And Mercy Is Beyond Her Pay Scale  
KANAYA: I Read Your Reaction Perfectly From The Start  
KARKAT: PRINCIPLES ARE ADMIRABLE, TEREZI, BUT INFLEXIBILITY ISN'T.  
KARKAT: THIS ISN'T SOME STOIC STAND FOR JUSTICE.  
KARKAT: IT'S JUST MAKING YOU LOOK BAD IN FRONT OF THE TWO PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU.  
KANAYA: Gave  
TEREZI: F1N3, 1 CONF3SS MY HYPOCR1SY FULLY B3FOR3 YOU BOTH!  
TEREZI: BUT L3T M3 C4T4LOGU3 4LL OF OUR UNFORG1V3N S1NS 3XH4UST1V3LY  
TEREZI: 1 K3PT MY M4T3SPR1TSH1P W1TH K4N4Y4 S3CR3T FROM K4RK4T  
TEREZI: BUT K4RK4T K3PT S3CR3T FROM M3 WH4T 1 C4N ONLY 4SSUM3 W4S 4 MO1R4LL3G14NC3 W1TH K4N4Y4  
TEREZI: 4ND 4LSO TH3 R3STOR4T1ON OF H1S S1GHT, FOR WH1CH 1 ST1LL H4V3 NO R34SON4BL3 3XPL4N4T1ON  
KARKAT: WAIT, HOW IS THAT EVEN REMOTELY RELEVANT COMPARED TO THE REST OF THIS SHIT?  
TEREZI: 1T'S V3RY S1MPL3, SHUT TH3 FUCK UP 1S HOW  
TEREZI: 4ND K4N4Y4 W4S COMPL1C1T 1N 4LL TH4T S3CR3CY, 4ND 4LSO F41L3D TO D1SCLOS3 H3R R41NBOW DR1NK3R ST4TUS  
TEREZI: 4S W3LL 4S TH1S  
TEREZI: UH  
TEREZI: TH1S  
TEREZI: S3R1OUSLY, WH4T TH3 H3LL 3V3N 1S TH1S, 1T'S 4BSURD  
TEREZI: H4S 4NYON3 GOT 4NY R3M41N1NG S3CR3TS TO D3CL4R3?!?!  
KARKAT: I THINK THAT ABOUT COVERS IT.  
KARKAT: AT LEAST AS FAR AS THESE EVENTS ARE CONCERNED.  
KANAYA: Yep  
TEREZI: V3RY W3LL  
TEREZI: 1 H4T3 TO 4DM1T 1T, K4N4Y4, BUT YOU'R3 R1GHT  
TEREZI: NOT ON3 OF US 1S TRULY 1NNOC3NT  
TEREZI: W3'R3 4LL 4 GODD4MN M3SS OF DUPL1C1TY 4ND L13S OF OM1SS1ON  
KANAYA: Indeed  
KANAYA: Each Of Us Has Enough Blackmail Material On The Other Two To Make Sure None Of Us Three Ever Sees The Stars Again  
TEREZI: MUTU4LLY 4SSUR3D D3STRUCT1ON  
TEREZI: BUT MUCH 4S 1 H4T3 TO 4DM1T TH1S TOO  
TEREZI: TH4T R3STS ON TH3 PR3M1S3 TH4T W3 4LL L34V3 TH1S ROOM 4L1V3

TEREZI draws her CANESWORD.

KARKAT: WHAT? OH FOR *FUCK'S SAKE*  
KARKAT: TEREZI, PUT THAT GODDAMN THING AWAY  
KANAYA: Well  
KANAYA: If You Intend To Arrest Me  
KANAYA: Or For That Matter Pass Summary Judgment On Me  
KANAYA: Youll Find I Will Not Submit Quietly  
KANAYA: I Doubt Even You Can Kill Me A Second Time  
KARKAT: WAIT, COME ON, STOP, THIS IS STUPID  


The LIGHT goes out. A CHAINSAW begins to rev.

KARKAT: NONONONONONONO  
TEREZI: OH, 1T 1S *ON*  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW YOU C4N'T 3V4D3 M3 TH4T 34S1LY  
KARKAT: KANAYA, TURN OFF WHATEVER THAT NOISE IS, IT'S TERRIBLE  
KANAYA: Make Me  
KARKAT: SHOOSH, GODDAMMIT, SHOOOOOSSSHHH  
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 *SO* GO1NG DOWN  
TEREZI: K4RK4T, STOP R3S1ST1NG 4ND L3T US D3F3ND OURS3LV3S PROP3RLY!  
KARKAT: I'M SORRY, THERE IS *NO* LEGAL THEORY UNDER WHICH THIS CONSTITUTES SELF-DEFENSE.  
KARKAT: WILL YOU BOTH STOP VACILLATING AND JUST *LISTEN* FOR A SECOND?!  
TEREZI: NO  
KANAYA: Hell No  
KARKAT: I DON'T MEAN LISTEN TO *ME*, I MEAN THAT OTHER THING!  
KARKAT: WELL, FINE, I MEAN LISTEN TO ME *AND* THAT OTHER THING!  
KARKAT: JUST STOP, OKAY? JUST TURN IT ALL OFF AND STOP.  
KARKAT: SHOOSH.  
KARKAT: *NOW*.

Some LOUDER NOISE begins to drown out the CHAINSAW.

KARKAT: DO YOU TWO HEAR THAT YET?!?!  
KARKAT: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, BE QUIET!!!

The CHAINSAW stops. The CANESWORD is returned to its sheath.

The LOUDER NOISE continues unabated.

> Seconds in the future, but not many... 

TEREZI: 1T SOUNDS L1K3  
TEREZI: UH  
KANAYA: It Sounds Like Heavy Construction Equipment  
KARKAT: OH GOD, THIS IS IT FOLKS.  
KARKAT: GAME OVER, OUR SHIT IS WRECKED.  
KANAYA: Which One Of You Sold Us Out  
KARKAT: NEITHER OF US, I'M POSITIVE.  
TEREZI: JUST GOOD OLD-F4SH1ON3D SURV31LL4NC3, PROB4BLY  
KANAYA: The Terrible Racket Weve Been Making Would Probably Suffice  
TEREZI: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KANAYA: Welp  
TEREZI: 1T'S ST1LL NOT TOO L4T3 FOR US 4LL TO K1LL 34CH OTH3R, YOU KNOW  


An ear-piercing screech of metal on metal is followed immediately by a WALL-PIERCING, DIAMOND-TIPPED AUGER OF DOOM as it crashes its way through the FOODBLOCK WALL. DRONEGORG emerges through the breach as bits of INSULATION and ELECTRONIC PARTS rain down into what is left of the BREAK ROOM, which is now itself thoroughly BROKEN. 

D'GORG: SURRENDER AT ONCE. YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST.  
D'GORG: DROP ALL WEAPONS AND PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE THEY CAN BE SEEN.  
D'GORG: YOU HAVE 0.27 SECONDS TO COMPL-- THANK YOU.  


# FIN.


End file.
